I have heard it said that there are only two kinds of people in the world those that like Neil Diamond and those that don’t. So wherever side you fall into I hope you will take to heart the following traveling tips when bound for Jerusalem.
Slightly confused, Daniel stared intently into the ATM machine’s screen which was full of Hebrew letters. He knew there was an English button somewhere among the beautiful swaying characters but because of his age he ended up with only a blank look on his face. Mr. Levi sensed his dilemma and offered to help get him past several screens as the page displaying the differing amounts of shekels appeared.
Daniel had just met his tour guide only several hours before and noticed him watching as he entered his pin numbers. As he was weighing what to pay his guide, a blurry shadow swooped in and pushed the 600 shekel button. Daniel watched as the machine spit out one, two, three, four, five, six hundred shekel bills into the ATM’s tray.
It is really funny sometimes how the universe works. With all of its predisposed functions that run without oversight or help from us; night leads to day, red skies in the morning is a sailor’s warning of an approaching storm and fees from Israeli tour guides need to be first chiseled into a stone tablet.
(Earlier that same day…) Daniel and Jerome walked toward the Jaffa Gate on the northwest corner of Jerusalem’s Old City. They had planned to take an early walk through the Christian Quarter whereby avoiding much of the tourist traffic that tends to swell like ocean waves building up against a coastal shoreline. However, the universe had other plans as Mr. Levi approached them with a smile and some important travel tips
Saying that David Levi was a great salesman would be a gross understatement. He singled out Daniel and Jerome from a crowed street filled with people who were busy pouring out of tour buses with the enthusiasm of young school boys. Daniel smelt something rotten in Denmark as Mr. Levi blocked them from entering the Old City’s Jaffa gate “Where are you going? It’s Shabbat, nothings open. Besides, it is better to enter down this side road here and take a back door into the city.” said the man with the authority of an Israeli officer.
“We’re just walking around, we’re not really planning anything special.” replied David sternly.
“Well, you don’t want to go by yourself. You will get lost and some Palestinians will grab you.” David replied with an air of sleekness while trying to bridle a slight grin. “Besides, I’m a very good tour guide. I even once showed Neil Diamond around the Old City when he was here on a concert tour. I know my way around the city and you will see places you never knew existed.”
As I started walking away towards the Jaffa gate I realized Jerome and David were already walking away, down the service road together, as if they had been good friends for years. I’m betting they are both Neil Diamond fans.
The fact is David took us swiftly through the crowded narrow streets with the precision of a fighter pilot. I didn’t realize what he was doing because I was too busy trying to keep up with his long strides and fast pace. Then it dawned on me that at each point of interest we entered by the exit, bypassing extremely long lines of angry, frustrated tourists.
Our dynamic trio even got thrown out of a couple places for taking pictures or talking too loud. Nobody really seemed to notice our dastardly plan, no in fact, it was almost as if we were invisible. You know, I was even beginning to enjoy his rendition of “Crackling Rosie” as we bobbed, dodged and pushed our way through ethnic throng that filled the Holy City.
(Present time…) So all in all, David completed his task and now it was time to pay him at the ATM machine located on Nablus Road near the Damascus Gate. This is where things get a bit wobbly as his original quote of 380 shekels for the both of us almost doubled.
“Money comes and goes; it is not important. Family, friends and the relationships we forge in life is what matters.” Was the phrase David had repeated over and over in-between his barrage of facts and figures a Jerusalem tour guide needs to know.
So as my shekels evaporated, I reflected on how the universe will continue to function; the sun, moon and stars will continue in their circuit and there will always be only two kinds of people in this world, those that like Neil Diamond and those that don’t.
